Subject: Late Night Jokes: Spare Change You Can Believe In!
Date: February 10, 2009 10:31:49 AM EST

Late Night Jokes from

Headlines (Scroll down or click the link for complete stories):

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Late Show with David Letterman
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

      ● Prosecutors have asked a federal judge to send former Washington, D.C., 
mayor Marion Barry to jail for failing to file tax returns for eighth time in nine years. 
He hasn’t paid taxes for eight years straight. So it’s either jail or a Cabinet position 
in the Obama administration. Take your pick.

      ● Walmart announced this week they're laying off 800 people at their headquarters. 
And of course there’s a ripple effect here — for every Walmart employee that's laid off, 
200 kids in China lose their jobs.

      ● Happy birthday Gov. Sarah Palin — 45 years old today. I thought this was nice. 
She got a lovely card with $5 in it from John McCain.

      ● Afterwards, I guess she did some shots. Two moose and a caribou.

Editor's Note: 9/11 Picture that Amazed a Nation

Late Show with David Letterman

      ● The winning dog at the Westminster Dog Show in New York was the oldest dog ever 
to win — 70 years old in dog years. Here’s the good news: He’s now dating bitches half his age.

      ● On this date in 2006, Vice President Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the face. 
Why isn’t he in jail again? I forgot.

      ● Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska — today is her birthday. I’m not saying how 
old she is, but from her house, she can see 50.

      ● She’s actually 45. She’s the first vice presidential candidate I have pictured 
naked . . . well, since Lloyd Bentsen.

Special: Sarah Palin's Hot New Calendar Bestseller, Just Pay Shipping

Late Night with Conan O'Brien

      ● Valentine’s Day is this weekend, and White Castle is offering candlelight dinners 
to its customers. It’s perfect for the guy who has trouble saying, “I hate you.”

      ● Michael Phelps says that after his marijuana controversy, he tried to call his 
sponsor, Kellogg’s, but they wouldn’t return his calls. Then Phelps realized that he’d 
been calling them on a banana.

      ● Earlier today, Brett Favre announced that he is walking away from professional football. In other words, Favre will be back with the Jets next year.

      ● When Yankee Slugger Alex Rodriguez admitted he used steroids, he said, “I needed to perform, and perform at a high level every day.” And that was just with Madonna.

Editor's Note: Dick Morris' New Book ‘Fleeced’ — Free Offer

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

      ● Jennifer Aniston is 40 years old today. It’s also Burt Reynolds’ birthday. 
Both very different, of course, one’s a grizzled Hollywood veteran who’s got a 
sexy mustache, the other one’s Burt Reynolds.

      ● In Egypt, they discovered a tomb packed with mummies. Not one — it was packed. 
In the future when they dig up Los Angeles, all they will find is thousands of silicone implants.

      ● They’ll say that people of ancient times all came with airbags.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

      ● The president has been busy selling his stimulus plan. He was in Florida at 
a town hall event taking questions. One guy who was a working student, asked if Obama 
had any plans for extending benefits at McDonalds . . . Security!

      ● Somebody had too many McFlurrys for breakfast.

      ● You gotta hand it to the president; he stayed with the topic and actually 
had follow-up questions: “You say you are in school . . . what are you studying?” 
The guy answered, “Communications.” Obama then said, “You sound like you’ve got 
good communication skills.” Isn’t that cute? Obama’s first public lie.

Editor's Note: Tim Russert's Heart Condition May Affect Millions — Protect Yourself Today

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Subject: Late Night Jokes: Madoff's Wife; Judd Gregg; Jonas Bros.; McCain E-mail
Date: February 13, 2009 12:00:48 PM EST

Late Night Jokes from

Headlines (Scroll down or click the link for complete stories):

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Late Show Top Ten 
Late Show with David Letterman
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

      ● Happy Presidents Day. As you know, the banks were all closed today. 
I understand that a few are expected to reopen tomorrow.

      ● Presidents Day is the day we honor Presidents Washington and Lincoln. 
And of course Saturday was Valentine’s Day, the day we celebrate President Clinton.

      ● In a new ranking of U.S. presidents by 65 historians, President George W. Bush 
came in fifth from the bottom. Of course Bush was thrilled; that’s better than he did 
in high school.

      ● Sen. Judd Greg, who wanted to be in Obama’s Cabinet as commerce secretary 
but changed his mind, said that after withdrawing his name he hoped he was just 
embarrassing himself and not President Obama. To which Joe Biden said, “Don’t worry 
about it — I do it all the time.”

Editor's Note: Obama Will Ban Talk Radio, Read the Special Report

Late Show Top Ten 

Top Ten Things Abraham Lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today

10. "Sup?"
9.  "I see Madonna's still a slut"
8. "Who's that handsome sumbitch on the five?"
7. "Is that free Grand Slam deal still going on at Denny's?"
6. "I just changed my Facebook status update to 'The 'ol rail splitter is chillaxing'"
5. "How do I get on 'Dancing with the Stars'?"
4. "OK, Obama, you're from Illinois, too. We get it!"
3. "Hey Phelps, don't Bogart the weed!"
2. "What's the deal with Joaquin Phoenix?"
1. "A Broadway play? Uhhh, no thanks . . . I'm good"

Editor's Note: Dick Morris' 'Fleeced' Slams Obama Dealings

Late Show with David Letterman

      ● It’s Barbie’s 50th anniversary. She was featured at Fashion Week in New York. 
They had Preppy Barbie; they had Wedding Barbie; they had Republican Running-Mate Barbie . . .

      ● Happy Presidents Day. The stock market is closed for Presidents Day. 
The good news is, it was the first time I didn’t lose any money since it was 
closed for Columbus Day.

      ● Hillary Clinton, our new secretary of state, is visiting Asia, including 
a stop in China. She’s trying to do something about those leaky take-out food cartons.

      ● Hillary is in Asia . . . Bill is in heaven.

Editor's Note: Pope Benedict's Real Mission — Read It

Late Night with Conan O'Brien

      ● A new poll has come out that names George W. Bush one of the 10 worst 
presidents of all time. On the bright side, Bush was named second best president 
named George Bush.

      ● Martha Stewart celebrated Presidents Day by having Bill Clinton on her show. 
Meanwhile, on “The View,” Barbara Walters marked the holiday by telling about her 
passionate night with Rutherford B. Hayes.

      ● Yesterday, one of Obama’s top advisers said that choosing Cabinet members 
is not like picking American Idol. Yeah, mainly because “American Idol” contestants 
have paid their taxes.

Special: High Blood Pressure Drugs Are Dangerous

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

      ● Happy Presidents Day! A solemn day in America, where we celebrate presidents 
past by getting a great deal on mattresses and big screen TVs.

      ● Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has issued a stern warning to 
Kim Jong Il: “Stop wearing my pantsuits.”

      ● It’s International Flirting Week. I guess we’re supposed to know how to flirt. 
Like if a woman scratches her head, she’s flirting . . . or she has fleas.

Editor's Note: 5 Foods Are Great For Your Heart, 5 Are Dangerous

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