THINGS I DIDN'T
LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL
Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with
smoke, there may be salmon.
No meal is
complete without leftovers.
Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only=
in Chinese restaurants.
A shmata is a
dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men=
a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for=
7. One mitzvah can=
change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the
destruction of the Second temple, God created
9. Anything worth=
saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Never take a front
row seat at a Bris.
Next year in
Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice
Never leave a
restaurant empty handed.
Spring ahead; fall
back - winters in Boca.
WASP's leave and
never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never
Always whisper the
names of diseases.
If it tastes good,
it's probably not kosher.
The important Jewish
holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street pa=
mothers, who would need therapy?
If you have to ask
the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make=
to tell everybody what you paid.
Laugh now, but one
day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in=
SIGNS ON SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BOARDS
management for over 5763 years.
Don't give up. Moses
was once a basket case.
What part of "Thou
shalt not" don't you understand?
should be made up of three members, two of whom should be abse=
Sign over the urinal
in a bathroom at Hebrew University : "The future of the Jewish=
people is in your hands."
My mother is a
typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent he=
home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
Any time a person
goes into a delicatessen and orders pastrami on white bread,=
somewhere a Jew dies.
It was mealtime
during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?" the flight=
attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices?"=
asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
An elderly Jewish
man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospi=
pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are=
comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a
A rabbi was opening
his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an=
envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At th=
Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many=
who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but=
week I received a letter from someone who signed his name...an=
forgot to write a letter.
Three Jewish women
get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restau=
one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The secon=
takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy" The=
takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we=
agreed that we weren't going to talk about our
And one final
favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women=
asks, "Is anything alright?