Late Night Jokes from Newsmax.com Headlines (Scroll down or click the link for complete stories): The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Late Show with David Letterman The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson Late Night with Jimmy Fallon The Tonight Show with Jay Leno +++ ● President Obama has found a way to quickly close Guantanamo Bay. He's going to turn it into a Pontiac dealership. +++ ● Vice President Biden is on a trip to Bosnia, Serbia, and Kosovo. The White House is calling it "Operation Keep Biden Away From a Microphone." +++ ● He goes to Antarctica next. o ● The economy is bad. It's so bad, Amy Winehouse is now snorting only Diet Coke. Editor's Note: Alec Baldwin Apologizes for Mail-Order Bride Joke Late Show with David Letterman ● Trump magazine is going out of business. So you see, the recession isn't all bad. ● I have a subscription. Tremendous magazine: real estate column, financial report, and of course, the monthly hair tip. ● Michael Vick is now out of prison. He's on house arrest. The judge gave him strict, specific instructions: "Staaaaaaay." + ● Cher's birthday today. She's 63. She'll be on display at the New York City Museum of Natural History. Editor's Note: Kidney Transplant Successful for Natalie Cole The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson ● Michael Vick was released from prison. Just to be safe, Scooby Doo has moved to Canada. ? ● Cher is 63 today. I think her boobs are only 5, and her butt is 2. ~ ● Big "American Idol" finale last night. More people vote for "American Idol" than in the presidential election. That's not true. But maybe to get more people involved in politics, we should have the candidates sing their positions. They could have a sing-off. Editor's Note: British Actress Lucy Gordon Found Dead in Paris Late Night with Jimmy Fallon ● It's Fleet Week in New York City. Lots of sailors strolling around. Or as Clay Aiken calls it, hunting season. ● Both President Obama and Dick Cheney will give competing speeches tomorrow on national security and terrorism. It's kind of like "American Idol," except one of them got voted off months ago. + ● The Somali pirate on trial in Manhattan was indicted on 10 charges of piracy. His bail was set at 100 doubloons. Editor's Note: How Allen Ascended From Meek Audition to 'Idol' To get these jokes sent straight to your inbox, go here now. This e-mail is never sent unsolicited. You have received this Newsmax e-mail because you subscribed to it or someone forwarded it to you. To opt out, see the links below. TO ADVERTISE For information on advertising, please contact Newsmax Advertising Sales via e-mail. TO SUBSCRIBE If this e-mail has been forwarded to you and would like a subscription, please sign up here. Remove your e-mail address from our list or modify your profile. We respect your right to privacy. View our policy. This e-mail was sent by: Newsmax.com 4152 West Blue Heron Blvd., Ste. 1114 Riviera Beach, FL, 33404 USA 623035 803E-1 Late Night Jokes from Newsmax.com Headlines (Scroll down or click the link for complete stories): The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Late Show with David Letterman The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson Late Night with Jimmy Fallon The Tonight Show with Jay Leno +++ ● The White House had a private screening of "Star Trek." You don't have to worry about some moron talking though the movie at private screenings. That's why they didn’t invite Joe Biden. + ● Matt Damon has a new Jason Bourne movie coming out. Matt Damon plays a CIA agent who Tells Nancy Pelosi about waterboarding. But it's Pelosi who gets amnesia in this one. + ● The government is now bailing out insurance companies. Billions are going to insurance companies to keep them from collapsing. Too bad they didn't have insurance. + ● The economy is bad. So bad, Dick Cheney was hanging people upside down just to get the change that was falling out of their pockets. Editor's Note: A Star Flips to Become the New `Dancing' Champ Late Show with David Letterman + ● NASA is repairing the Hubble telescope. They're having difficulties. Everything is more difficult in space. It doesn't surprise me — it's not like they're rocket scientists. + ● Everyone's got an opinion on how to fix it. Kiefer Sutherland said, "Hey — did you try head-butting it?" +++ ● Vice President Joe Biden apparently had a couple of drinks and was shooting his mouth off. He announced the undisclosed location of former Vice President Dick Cheney's bunker. And I was thinking, "Joe, c'mon. If you're going to reveal secrets about something, why don't you reveal where bin Laden is hiding?" + ● Former President Bill Clinton and former President George W. Bush are going to be in Toronto debating. There's nothing more exciting than a presidential debate that doesn't count. Editor's Note: Radio Host Savage Always Up For a Fight The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson + ● Los Angeles had an earthquake the other day. There wasn't much damage. In fact, there were $2,000 worth of improvements to this studio. +++ ● Scientists say they have found the missing link. The link between man and monkey. It's a little monkey. It lived on mostly twigs and berries — which makes it the direct ancestor of today's supermodel. +++ ● Scientists have determined that the monkey fossil is 47 million years old. It was verified today by Larry King who was married to the monkey. Editor's Note: CBS Remains Most-Watched Network, Nielsen Says Late Night with Jimmy Fallon +++ ● Vice President Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of Dick Cheney's top secret bunker. He did apologize. He said, "I'm so sorry. The launch code is 85334." +++ ● "The house key is under the plant near the door step ..." He just can't help it. +++ ● President Obama has appointed Utah's Republican Gov. Jon Huntsman as ambassador to China. Part of Obama's plan to get every Republican out of the country by 2010. Editor's Note: Sugarland Leads With 5 CMT Award Nominations 622631 8022-1