Late Night Jokes from

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The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

      ● President Bush hosted his final White House Hanukkah party. Hanukkah celebrates the miracle of when only a tiny amount of oil burned for eight days — ExxonMobil’s worst nightmare.

      ● President Bush announced that before he leaves office he wants to visit the poorest regions of the world. Any place where people can’t afford to buy shoes.

      ● That Iraqi journalist who threw the shoes at Bush says he planned the attack for months. Months? Yet he still missed both times?

      ● Barack Obama has named another Cabinet member: former Gov. Tom Vilsack as his Agriculture secretary. Vilsack. That sounds like a condition you should see your neurologist about.

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Late Show Top Ten 

Top Ten Things Jim Carrey Will Always Say Yes To Presented By Jim Carrey

10. Dressing up like an Iraqi and throwing a shoe at President Bush
9. Watching YouTube video of guys getting hit in the nuts
8. A fan asking for a hug — unless it's a dude
7. Fresh ground pepper
6. David Letterman's drunken requests to see me taking a bath
5. People who ask me to say, "all-righty then!" That never gets old
4. Sex with a big, fat roadside waitress
3. Lucrative endorsement deals: Remember, you're not fully clean unless you're Zestfully clean
2. The question, "Aren't you Jim Carrey, the funniest, sexiest, most talented man in all of Hollywood?"
1. Tub time with Larry King

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Late Show with David Letterman

      ● Last night’s studio audience was terrible. I call them the Federal Reserve audience — their interest rate was zero.

      ● Anthropologists have found a well-preserved brain, dating from the Middle Ages. Here’s the thrust — they found it in the head of Dick Cheney.

      ● Dick Cheney recently said that we made the right decision to go to war in Iraq . . . well, that’s good enough for me.

      ● A guy threw his shoes at President Bush while Bush was in Iraq. If you thought that was the end of it, you’re wrong. Iran has announced plans to develop a long-range loafer.

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Late Night with Conan O'Brien

      ● Last night a snow storm hit Chicago, but Celine Dion refused to cancel her concert. Good for her. People in Chicago said the snow storm was the second-worst thing that came down from Canada that night.

      ● It’s being reported that the Iraqi reporter who threw the shoes at President Bush had his arm broken when security subdued him. Even worse — it was his shoe-throwing arm.

      ● President Bush said in an interview that he has a collection of over 250 autographed baseballs. Unfortunately, the question he was asked was, “Do you have an exit strategy for Iraq?”

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The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

      ● There’s a recession going on. I think it’s worse than that — I may have to go back to wrestling to make ends meet.

      ● Good news from India — a New Delhi woman gave birth to a baby girl. She was 70 years old. Not the baby, the woman.

      ● This is the oldest woman to have a child since Demi Moore had Ashton.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

      ● President Bush appears to be in good spirits after avoiding a double shoeing attempt in Iraq.

      ● Although he is not shaken by the reporter who threw shoes at him, the Secret Service isn’t taking any chances. All members of the White House Press Corps are required to check their shoes at the door for press conferences.

      ● Oprah’s production company, Harpo, has signed a deal to create original programs for HBO. They already have their first project underway: The “Opranos.”

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Late Night Jokes from

Headlines (Scroll down or click the link for complete stories):

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

      ● A lot of people got stranded in Malibu due to snow. If you thought it took President Bush a long time to rescue New Orleans, just wait till you see how long it takes him to rescue Barbra Streisand.

      ● It was so cold in Vegas, O.J. was wearing his knit cap and gloves again.

      ● It was so cold in Washington, Dick Cheney didn’t know whether he wanted to go snowboarding or waterboarding.

      ● Gov. Blagojevich came out and said he hasn’t done anything wrong, and he isn’t guilty of anything. So that’s the second big snow job Chicago got over the weekend.

Editor's Note: Brand New for the Holidays from Newsmax!

Late Show with David Letterman

      ● On this date in 1891, basketball was played for the first time. If you want to see a team that looks like they’re playing for the first time, go see the Knicks.

      ● Today was the busiest day for the post office. They handled 500 million pieces of mail. They didn’t deliver any of them, they just handled them.

      ● I love my mom. She’s 87. She loves the holidays. This is the time of year that she gets dolled up for the UPS guy.

      ● It’s not too late for Christmas. It’s not too late. If you’ve got the right kind of money, Gov. Blagojevich can get you moved from the naughty list to the nice list.

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Late Night with Conan O'Brien

      ● President Bush hosted the annual Hanukkah party at the White House. The opening prayer was delivered by a rabbi, or as Bush kept calling him, “Jewish Santa.”

      ● Barack Obama’s inauguration is coming around. Oprah says she not only plans to attend, she is currently looking for a house to buy in Washington, D.C. She reported that she found a nice little cottage at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

      ● Donald Trump was asked what he thought of the recently arrested Wall Street financier Bernard Madoff. Trump called him a disgrace and a sleazebag. Then Trump asked him to be on next season’s “The Apprentice.”

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The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

      ● The Iraqi shoe guy has asked for a pardon from the Iraqi government. He doesn’t want to fight a court case, so he’s throwing in the towel.

      ● In a speech this week, President Bush said, “I didn’t compromise my soul to be a popular guy.” Dick Cheney said, “What’s a soul?”

      ● Barack Obama says he’s going to get to the inauguration by train. This comes as a surprise to a lot of people who thought that Obama was going to get to the inauguration by walking on water.

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