Subject: 	Happy Hanukkah!
	Date: 	December 18, 2008 5:14:40 PM EST
	To: 	  Barry@Suffolk.LI

As a general  principle, Jewish  holidays are divided between days on
which you must starve and days on  which you must overeat.

Many Jews observe no fewer  than 16 fasts  throughout the Jewish year, based
on the time-honored  principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually
purified, you  definitely aren't.

Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are  no holidays requiring
light snacking.

Note: Unlike Christians, who  simply attend church on special days 
(e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish  holidays most Jews  take the whole day off.  
This is because Jews,  for historical and personal reasons, are more 
stressed out.

The Diet   Guide to the Jewish  Holidays:

Rosh  Hashanah  ------- Feast
Tzom  Gedalia  ----------- Fast
Yom Kippur -------------- More  fasting
Sukkot  -------------------- Feast  for a week +
Hashanah Rabbah ----  More feasting
Simchat   Torah --------- Keep right on  feasting
Month of Heshvan ----- No feasts or fasts for a whole month.  Get a grip
on yourself.
Hanukkah ---------------- Eat  potato  pancakes
Tenth  of Tevet --------- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat ------------  Feast
Fast of  Esther  --------- Fast
Purim ---------------------  Eat  pastry
Passover  ---------------- Do not eat pastry for a  week
Shavuot ------------------ Dairy  feast (cheesecake, blintzes,  etc.)

17th of Tammuz -------- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or  blintzes)
Tish B'Av ----------------- Serious fast (don't even think  about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul ------------ End of cycle.  Enroll in  Center for  Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive  again.

There are many forms of  Judaism:

Cardiac  Judaism ---------- in my heart I am a Jew.
Gastronomic Judaism --- we  eat Jewish foods.
Pocketbook Judaism ----- I give to  Jewish causes.
Drop-off Judaism  --------- drop the kids off at  Sunday School; go out to breakfast.
Twice a Year Judaism --  attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

You know you  grew up Jewish when:

You've had at least one female relative  who drew eyebrows on her face
that were always asymmetrical.

You  spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone  calls roast beef "brisket."

Your family dog responds to complaints uttered  in Yiddish.

Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was  spent visiting your grandparents.

You've experienced the phenomena of  50 people  fitting into a 10-foot-wide
dining room hitting each  other with plastic plates & forks trying to get
to a deli  tray.

You  thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel  and kasha with bowties.

You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan  every Sunday night.

You were as tall as your grandmother by  age seven.

You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one  of 6 standard
suffixes (-man,-witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt or  -baum).

You grew up and were surprised to find out that wine  doesn't always taste
like year-old cranberry sauce.

You  can look at gefilte fish without turning  green.

You grew up thinking there was a fish called lox.

You can understand some Yiddish but you can't speak it.

You  know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use  them correctly
in context, yet you don't exactly know what  they mean.

Is that Kenahurra or is  that kaninehurra?.

You have at least one ancestor who is  related to your spouse's ancestor.

You grew up thinking it  was normal for someone to shout "Are you okay?
Are you okay?" through the  bathroom door if you were in  there for longer
than 3 minutes.

You  have at least six male relatives named Michael or David.

Your  grandparent's furniture smelled like mothballs, was covered in
plastic and was as comfortable as sitting on sandpaper.

Baruch Hashem and God willing, may you have a day  full of mazel and shalom!